Jason Curious: Jason's Diary

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

The Best Weekends Ever!

I have had some ridiculously fun weekends lately, but they have left me pretty exhausted come Monday!

The other weekend my two husbands (who I don't have sex with, by the way, and never have for those who need clarifying), Andy Kirra and Tristan Mathews, accompanied me on a trip to Primm, Nevada to see Liza Minnelli in concert. Liza was pretty hilarious and I was thankful for Andy's viewing pleasure that she lived up to being the cartoon version of herself that she's made out to be. Her voice wasn't in the best of shape (I've seen much better concerts from her in the past few years), but her dancing was off the hook for a woman with two fake hips and a shattered knee cap. She always puts on a good show.

I can't, however, say the same thing about Primm. It may be close to Vegas, but it is soooo very far from Vegas! Our first sign of this was that it took 15 minutes of walking around the casino to even find a bar! The second was that the buffets were insanely small. There was one buffet called Miss Ashley's that we actually walked out of after standing in line for an hour because it turned out to be a Mexican buffet. Odd, considering Ashley is like the whitest name in the world and the photo of Miss Ashley herself looked like each of our Aunts! To quote Andy, "Here at Miss Ashley's... we make sure you really miss Ashley!"

I had only a couple cocktails the entire day and then as we were getting into the car to drive home, I decided to point my finger and give a lecture to the husbands on the dangers of drinking too much or doing too many drugs, for fear that we might be like Liza by the time we are 60. Yup. Sure did. ...I then put my car in reverse and proceeded to smash into a pole and break off my side mirror.

The comedic timing of it all was pretty ridiculously perfect. If I had been alone or with other people, I'd have been livid. But being with those two who were laughing hysterically over the whole thing... how could I not join in the laughter? I super glued the mirror back on. It stayed attached all the way home to L.A. and it has remained so ever since! Amazing the wonders of super glue!

Andy and Tristan, as you may know, are legally married as husbands to each other now -- but there's really nothing I love more than being the consistent third wheel in any given situation. I'm sure that sounds like I'm kidding too, but I'm actually not. You get the feeling of being needed and loved but you don't have to deal with the responsibility of the relationship. Also, the role of mediator or moderator has always been a good one for me. I have always felt a really undefinable, unexplainable bond to Andy but now it has extended to Tristan as well.

Which is interesting because I couldn't stand Tristan when I met him. But the Tristan Mathews you see out in public at porn events is a lot different from the one you see behind the scenes. He really won me over on that trip to Primm. He sat in the back seat and dealt with Andy and I talking in what is practically a secret language of riddles and inside jokes, dealt with our musical tastes the entire drive that varied vastly from his (we love Tori Amos and Bjork -- and if you don't, that can be one helluva painful ride) and he didn't even have a ticket to see Liza or much money to gamble so he waited patiently hanging at the casino and bar -- and NEVER ... COMPLAINED ... ONCE.

Do you have any idea how much I'd have complained if I were in his position?! I'd have been the biggest bitch.

Tristan is incredibly chill and "go with the flow" when he's in situations where he himself feels loved and needed too. When he gets into a group of people where he feels insecure, he becomes a different person completely. I'm happy to know the real Tristan. ...So I can tolerate the OTHER ONE! lol ;-)

Then this last weekend was The Rent Boy Pool Party Los Angeles. I was there from about 1:00 pm - 8:00 pm and that was really pushing it for me! I had a lot of fun, but I don't like to get started drinking or partying that early in the day. By 4:00 pm, I was ready to drink nothing but water for a couple hours to sober up in time to host the night's events. The turn out of porn stars was pretty incredible -- boys from all over and across the country! You can read more about it and see photos in the "News Desk" at jasoncurious.com/desk/ later today.

Thank God Brandon Baker called me last night and asked if I wanted to go see a late showing of Mirrors at Arclight. I spend so much time "living it up" with my friends that I really enjoy when we can just have a low-key quiet night to regroup. It was the perfect thing and just what I needed. Brandon and I LOVE horror movies, even bad ones! This was no classic by any means, but definitely had many moments that made me jump in my seat. It was way too gory for me. I am not much on the blood and guts and there were parts I literally had to turn away from because I couldn't watch. It was by far the bloodiest of the American-ized remakes of Japaneese horror flicks.

They certainly have the format down for these movies over in Japan: There's always the creepy little demon girl, the wide eyed children who have been taken over by her, something to do with water, some relative who has to be found in a faraway state that someone first has to go to a ranch or farm to find out about, an asylum that abuses its patients, something that must be done to break the spell that's over everyone and there's usually a broken fingernail or two somewhere in there too.

I'm so proud of all that Brandon accomplished with the pool party too, seeing as it was the first in L.A. and it's difficult to get people to come out to see porn stars in the city where they see them out at the bars all the time anyway! I decided to really take the bull by the horns and help him out on this one, taking over hosting duties, driving traffic to the site, getting ticket sales up, having him sell tickets at all my events, plugging it in my blogs and columns, putting up a banner on the site and even doing a press release on it. He deserves it. He's ones of my best friends.

In return, he's taking me on my first ever trip to New Orleans this week to experience the gay Mardi Gras that is Southern Decadence. So it looks like it will be yet another fun filled (and exhausting) weekend for me.

Before that, yet another one in my small "best friend" circle, Chi Chi LaRue, is DJ'ing at Here Lounge on Wednesday for a very Special Edition of my weekly event, Porn Star of the Week, renamed EX-Pornstar of the Week with former gay porn performer turned major mainstream underwear model Benjamin Bradley dancing live on stage! I mentioned on my "News Desk" yesterday -- it's amazing to me that they would do these nights just because I ask them to and they happen to think it's fun! Neither of them "need" to do nights like this and it's not like they're paid a great sum of money for it either.

No wonder I'm so god damned happy these days. My friends are really the best in the world. Best I've ever had in my life. Hard for me to believe that there was a time when there were only one or two people who I let this close to me.

I have a lot more news to tell about what's going on in my life these days, but I'm going to save it and space it out over the week so check back often.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Violently Happy

So since some of you visit this page from time to time to see how I'm faring, I thought I'd let you know...

I've never been happier in my life than I am these days.

I have no idea why. I have nothing extraordinary happening in my life. I'm not making a lot more money than usual. I'm not in love. I'm not where I want to be in my career. I haven't been to a gym in months. I'm not with my parents nearly as much as I want to be.

And I could give two shits.

There's a real freedom that comes with being happy without reason. It sort of makes you even happier because it means it can't be taken away. It can also turn you into a Warrior of Happy where you welcome the challenges and battle all negativity courageously with hope and love.

I could tell you how I got there so we can all be on the same page, but I'm sure the path is different for everyone. And my road to bliss might not be your's so I don't want to lead you down the wrong path.

I will say that I was somehow shown, through a series of circumstances in the last year, what it is like to have moments where you feel completely comfortable in your own skin and to not want to change a thing about the moment. Those memories I carried with me and turned to rote.

And it's not like I don't worry or get sad or depressed or scared or grieve things like anyone else. It's just that I sort of love that I am capable of those emotions and I realize that what goes up must come down and vice versa in some strange reverse law of gravity. It's like that Bjork song on my MySpace page says right now: "It takes courage to enjoy it, the hardcore and the gentle."

Oh, one more thing.

Just to play the spiri-guru for one second, because I do think it's the most important realization that has brought me to this place: If the amount of joy we are getting out of life is dependent upon the things that happen or don't happen to us... well, we're all just perpetual victims then, aren't we?

The happy is always there. Don't play the victim by letting life get between you and it.

Monday, August 11, 2008

The Three Stooges -- er, Muskateers!

Monday, July 28, 2008

Friends and Movies

Going out of town for grandpa's funeral was not an easy task.

With four local shows and a web TV show that had just launched the week before, there was a lot of rescheduling, pre-taping and cancelling I had to figure out and get done before heading out of town -- and then a bunch of "catch up" work that had to be done as soon as I returned. I've got to say though, I'm so glad I went. Every single cousin from that side of my family was there and at 28 years old, I am the oldest with the next oldest being 21 and the youngest being 13. We're all growing up so fast and I hope that our time together there can inspire us to keep in better touch with each other. It's so strange how we can barely know each other but speak the same language. We were all raised around that witty banter with a need to make other people laugh so having us all sit at a table together was just one non-stop laugh riot. After the parents went to bed, I talked them all into going to see The Dark Knight with me since it had just opened that night. We went to a midnight show and we were all so glad we did. It's the biggest movie of the year and we'll never forget how we all saw it together.

When I got back to L.A., I caught up on office work for a couple of days and then went to see The Dark Knight again, this time with Brandon Baker in IMAX. (The movie was in IMAX. Not Brandon. Although at times... !) Brandon and I both have an affinity for Batman and I knew I loved the movie so much I would want to see it again with him. It was quite an experience seeing it in IMAX with Brandon! But I don't know if it was more of an experience seeing it IMAX or seeing it with Brandon. ;-) ...Instead of The Dark Knight: The IMAX Experience, let's just call it The Dark Knight: The Brandon Baker Experience. I want to go see Journey to the Center of the Earth in 3-D with The Brandon Baker Experience too!

Brandon was kind of my own dark knight in shining Abercrombie for the week actually. We ended up hanging out at Here Lounge the following night for my Porn Star of the Week show (every Wednesday from 10 pm - 1 am, people!) and then he pulled out all stops and brought his posse to my Porn Star Alley happy hour show at MJ's on Thursday from 6:30 pm - 9:00 pm. A week or so ago he'd finally gotten around to seeing the video I'd posted on my JasonCurious YouTube vlog asking him to come out and rack up a big bar tab to save my Thursday night show. Well, Brandon did just that. It also happened to be one of our busiest nights ever. And if I can match the numbers we did that evening one more time, that show is as good as gold.

As if that wasn't enough, I also stopped by his RentBoy.com night at Hamburger Mary's on Friday, albiet briefly. Everyone was surprisingly tired (exhausted, even!) and called it an evening much earlier than usual.

So four days in a row with Brandon. ...And we didn't even try to kill each other! I seriously adore him and am fascinated by him at times. He lives a very wild life, but is also extremely responsible, has incredible work ethic and can be one of the most selfless people I know. I have put him through some shit too and he is still always there for me. He has over time gotten close to a side of me that few people get to see, making him one of my best friends. I feel incredibly comfortable being my full uninhibited self around him and we can only say that for a few people in our lives.

Speaking of those few best friends I can only count on one hand, I hung out with Chi Chi LaRue this week and it is so nice having her back in town. We had dinner with Howard Marr from FabScout at that new place Felix in West Hollywood on Wednesday night and the food there is freaking amazing! I'm not usually a fan of "dim sum" at all -- but all of those apps are freaking to die for. Mouth watering! I can't wait to go back!

Then saw Momma Mia: The Chi Chi LaRue Experience on Saturday at ArcLight. (Did you know the space between the very front row and the screen there is so wide that it's perfect? You don't have to strain your neck or anything to look up and it's like you're in Michael Jackson's living room or something! I always thought the front row there would be way too close, but not so much!) Had no interest in seeing it really because, to me, the beauty of ABBA's music is the amazing harmony of their voices. So I never saw Momma Mia on stage as I was never so keen on hearing other people sing their songs. But I figure, Meryl Streep is seriously the best actress who has ever walked the face of the earth (I am convinced she could play a five year old black boy) and I could be entertained watching her read the phone book. Sure enough, she is amazing in it, but the movie itself really surpassed my expecations. And though it's just a cute, cheesy movie, Meryl's performance of "The Winner Takes It All" will go down as one of the Top 25 moments in movie musical history.

I'm excited to work with Chi Chi again this week at Here Lounge. I'll be hosting Porn Star of the Week there from 10:00 pm - 1:00 am featuring the brand new Rascal Exclusive, Vance Winter in his first L.A. appearance with Chi Chi spinning the tunes! I hear there's a booth reserved for the cast of Big Brother, current season and past seasons too so Big Brother fans should be sure to be there. But shh! Don't tell anyone I'm helping you stalk them!

So as you can see, I'm just gearing up for another big week here and it all starts tonight. I'm a Special Guest Judge at Here Lounge's fun drag show Where's Jackie? tonight so if you're out and about, stop by and say hi. The show starts at 10:00 pm.

Monday, July 14, 2008

While I Was Out...

This update is going to be huge because I've been so swamped with four shows a week (plus a new web show now!) and updating you all on my hectic work life over in the "News Desk" blog, I haven't had a chance to talk much about my personal life over here. So I'm going to divide this into sections and you can read what you're interested in -- or perhaps little by little over the course of a few days. It took me over a month to live it so it'll probably take you a long time to read it.

I MISS CHI CHI

I don't know how it happened but Girl has really become one of my closest friends this year and she has been travelling non-stop for over a month now. I wish she'd hurry home and stay put for one second. Let's face it. Life is always more fun when Chi Chi LaRue is in the same town as you. She's like my local mother/father/brother/sister/lover/friend/mentor/fairy-godmother/twin .....and DJ!

SADIE'S OKAY!

My dog's cancer is benign. She will have to be checked regularly but it seems the tumor is going away on its own. I have to thank you all for your positive thoughts and well wishes. THEY WORKED!

EXPERIMENTATION

I'm kind of in an experimental phase these days. Nothing too hardcore, I'm not like climbing into K holes and smoking crack or meth or anything! (Not that I judge those who do! I'm sure I'll be there in a few years. See you at Promises!) But I did try ecstasy recently for the first time and wow, that was an experience. I became best friends with a fork that I rubbed on my head the entire evening and regularly splashed water on my face while screaming, "I'm a fish! I'm a fish!" Working so many nights out in West Hollywood a week means that to promote those nights I often need to go socialize on the evenings I'm not actually working, so there really is no better time to have an experimental phase if I'm going to have one. I mean, I'm out every freakin' night! And you don't want to be doing them when you're nobody and you're going to get kicked out of a club. You want to be doing them when the club has reserved you your own bathroom for the evening.

JANE FONDA RULES

I am almost through Jane Fonda's autobiography, My Life So Far. Has anyone else read this? It's amazing how much I have in common with 60 year old women! Their introspection, their catharsis, their looking back to right the wrongs in moving forward. What I've learned from Hanoy Jane is that the need for perfection and the fear of rejection are two things that will always hold you back from progressing in your life until you usher them to the door. Reading her book has helped me with that immensely. I don't feel the "disease to please" on a regular basis these days and that's a first in my life.

CYNDI LAUPER ROCKS

I can't stop listening to "Into the Nightlife." I have the song on repeat ad nauseum. No matter what kind of mood I'm in, it gets me swinging my arms around and banging my head in the air.

MY GRANDPA DIED

My grandfather passed away this weekend and I will be cancelling a few shows to be with my family in Florida for the funeral, burial and wake from Thursday morning through Saturday late evening. I was not best friends with him like I was with my grandmother, but we were very close and he was a wonderful grandfather and such a warm, funny, loving human being.

I'm so lucky that my last conversation with him over Thanksgiving dinner is probably the best conversation I've ever had with him and will remain my fondest memory. I told I was always hearing people his age say, "If I only knew then what I know now..." and told him I wanted to know what it was he knows now! He gave me a lot of good advice, namely financial, that I really needed to hear. But more than that, he gave me praise for having my priorities in the right place. He said I already realized at my age what takes most people many years to discover: That you have to be true to yourself. "You're doing what you want to do with your life and your career and that's what it's all about. You have to live the way you feel is right," he said, and concluded in front of everyone, "and love whoever you want to love."

Wow. That was a big deal. For him and for me.

MUST-SEE YOU TUBE LINKS!

If you're missing Kathy Griffin's My Life on the D-List, you can catch all the episodes from the new season here. Thank God for this man!
http://youtube.com/user/vgxuk

Also, between these two users I think they have every episode from all three seasons of the old 60's Batman TV show online -- which I am LOVING!
http://youtube.com/user/FanOfBats
http://youtube.com/user/goodguysbadguys

I added my rendition of the Madonna song "Live to Tell" to the Live From The Other Side playlist on my Jason Sechrest YouTube account.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=VOXoZ7A2Tj4

I also have a new vlog up on my Jason Curious YouTube account where I'm begging people to come to the shows of mine that aren't pulling in big numbers. I love that people either totally got this and thought it was hilarious or thought I was insane and didn't understand why I would beg publicly. It's like a commercial. A marketing tactic. I actually got the idea from Kathy Griffin. In fact, I've decided when it comes to many aspects of my life, my new motto is, "What would Kathy do?" When her sales are low, she goes on some show and says, "I'm so D-List there are like 25 people coming to my show at the Pechanga Casino. If you don't come see me, it's back to Hollywood Squares." Fortunately, it worked. One of the shows that I mentioned has already made the 100 mark and is definitely staying alive. One down, one to go and hey, remember the promise I made if we make it?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a7OLxvVlqt4

MY LOVE LIFE

I am writing this first but already know that I'll put it as the last to be read.

I'm dating a few people right now, but the one I've been dating the longest I seem to have fallen for pretty hard. Unfortunately, he fluxuates from telling me it's the most mature form of dating he's ever had to telling me that we're actually not dating at all. It was kind of funny, a running joke at first; now it's just sad. I also am either the most entertaining person he's ever met or the most annoying, depending on the unpredictability of his mood. It was tolerable at first; now it's just starting to hurt.

It is a shame because there's no one else I laugh with as much as he. In many ways, he is like my ex-boyfriend. In some ways -- the laughter, the best friendship, the similar interests -- that's exactly what I'm still looking for. But in other ways -- the bi-polar nature, the inability to commit and the thriving on the power of keeping a person in a perpetual state of limbo -- yeah, I'm not looking to crawl back into that special circle of Hell anytime soon despite the fact that my spot always seems reserved there. And it is no doubt fault of my own. I don't delude myself into thinking it's coincidence that I've yet again attracted the same type of person into my life.

While we understand each other in so many ways that other people don't or have problems dealing with, if one can't understand or deal with themselves first, it's all pretty much unfortunately for not.

Anyone who reads my KabbalahCurious.com blog (also desperately in need of an update - look for that later today too I hope) knows I'm a big advocate of spiritual study, taking notes on what you learn and then meditating upon those notes every day until those thoughts are engrained in you and it becomes a way of life. One of the things I wrote down recently is how in order to make relationships work, from friendships to co-workers to lovers, we have to focus on the things we appreciate about that person, as opposed to complaining about what we don't like about them. Negative thoughts and energy only create more negativity so when we complain about those things, that's all we get because it's all that we're choosing to see.

I mentioned before, I don't laugh with anyone as much as I do this person and I think it would be stupid of me to throw such a great friendship like that away. I should accept the limitations of the situation, focus on what I love about the person and keep it a friendship. This probably sounds like common sense to most of you, but for those of us who are used to having it be our way or the highway, you need a little dose of spirituality to get the common sense through a skull so thick.

And this also goes back to what I was saying previously in this entry about how the "need for perfection" is so toxic. My motto lately -- and something I read every morning when I awaken -- has been: "Compromise can be made while still maintaining the integrity of the original vision."

Maybe, here too the integrity of the original vision can be salvaged in a great friendship.

And that, my friends, would certainly be different -- and a much more mature approach -- than what happened with the last best friend I fell in love with.

Do you go to dungeon
To find out how to make peace with your days in the dungeon?

Writing a letter to you
Doesn't make me feel any more peaceful than how I feel when we're not speaking.
'Cause I didn't cop to what I did.

I can't love you 'cause we're supposed to have professional boundaries.
But I'd like you to be schooled and in awe
As though you were kissed by God, full on the lips.

I'm in the front row with popcorn.
I get to see you close up.

Slid into the ditch.
We have this overwhelming loss of ambition
So we say, "Let's name 30 good reasons
Why we shouldn't be together."
Start out by saying things like, "You smoke."
"You live in New Jersey."

I started saying things like,
"You belong to the world."
All of which could've been easily refuted.

But the conversation was hypothetical.
I am totally sure.
Just a breath for you.
Why can't you shut your stuff off?

I'm in the front row with popcorn.
I get to see you close up.

For a while I am speaking.
You know how much I hate to be interrupted.
Maybe spend some time alone,
Fill up my proverbial cup so
That it does not always have to be about me.

But I'm just wanting your undivided attention.

Are we not burdened by the lack of perspective
People have of our charmed lives seemingly?

I'm in the front row with popcorn.
I get to see you close up.

Hey I'm not mad at you guardian.
I'm mad at myself for spending so much time with you
In your Jekyll and Hydeness.

I'm glad I figuratively slapped you on the wrist.

You laughed a wicked laugh and said,
"Come here, let me clip your wings."

"Raise the roof," he yelled.
"Yeah, raise the roof," I yelled back.

No thanks to the soap box.

I'm in the front row with popcorn.
I get to see you close up.

You never meant to be ungrateful
Nor held up to be whipped or wept for,
And certainly not analyzed or proded at.

And certainly you'll need a health scare to reprioritize.

I think we should be careful of how much time we spend together.

- Alanis Morissette

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Sadie Sicky

I found out today that my 3 1/2 year old black lab Sadie May Sechrest has skin cancer.

I should know next week if it is benign or malignant. The tumor is over the skin so if it is benign, it will fall off. If it is malignant, they will need to perform surgery to remove it and hopefully that will get all of it.

I'm sure she will be fine. I'm absolutely certain of it.

But if you happen to have a spare thought... picture her happy and tail wagging and running around completely healthy for me. Thanks.

And if you're having problems picturing that, you can click here to watch a classic Jason and Sadie vid!

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

The Emotional Roller Coaster That Was Chicago

Chicago.

It is one of my favorite cities in America. It features the best of everything: the bustle and hustle of the big city with a down to earth mid-western feel, weather where the seasons actually change, the best gay bars and clubs, great food, real people, thriving businesses...

So it should come as no surprise that in the city that features the best of both worlds, I would experience the highest of highs and the lowest of lows throughout Grabby Awards weekend.

DAY ONE

I feel like my weekend began as soon as I ran into gay porn star Nick Capra and director Jett Blakk at LAX airport. We were both on the same flight. I had hosted my porn show at Here Lounge the night before until 2 am and still needed to pack and finish some last minute work when I came home, so with a car scheduled to take me to the airport at 6 am, I opted not to sleep at all. Needless to say, I was a little slap happy at the airport, making jokes about anyone and everyone who we were bound to see throughout the weekend. Capra, who used to make those jokes with me, has changed his tune since rehab and instead met my quips with, "Awww, but he's so sweet!" at every turn. Eventually I asked him when he became so boring. Thankfully Blakk was there to laugh heartily at everything I said, making me feel like I was at least entertaining someone and that was enough to keep me awake until the plane ride where I got probably a total of 3 hours of Z's.

The three of us also ended up sharing a cab from O'Hare to downtown Chicago which must've lasted 40 minutes and seemed like two hours. I was looking forward to seeing more of them throughout the weekend, but barely saw either for the rest of the trip.

A friend of mine -- one of those "I'd be dating him if he lived here" friends -- Ben lives only a few hours outside of Chicago and decided to drive in to see me Thursday night since I had the hotel room to myself until Jet Set Men exclusive Aaron James arrived Friday afternoon.

Ben and I have a lot of history. Constant readers will remember Mikey, my former best friend of five years who I ended up falling in love with and was my boyfriend for nearly two additional years before my Big Life Change of 2006. Well, Ben was Mikey's boyfriend when I moved to West Hollywood and first became best friends with him. Ben and I were great friends too and the three of us used to hang out a lot. I caught up with Ben when he visited L.A. a few months ago and we ended up kissing on a dare and ended up liking it way more than we thought we would and spent the night together. Since that evening, we've kept in touch and been closer friends than ever.

So needless to say, I was elated to see Ben and have him spend the night with me in Chicago. We made our way to the Grabby Welcome Party at Spin and, for Ben, it was a whirlwind that he was not at all expecting. A flood of porn stars coming up to greet us, a few people asking for autographs (that barely ever happens to me unless it's Grabby weekend!), photographers asking me for pictures, all of which just seemed like another great porn party to me.

But for anyone who is your date but isn't a part of that world. they suddenly feel like... well, you name it. The trophy wife. Arm candy. An accessory. And while I have become very good at including whoever is in that position in conversations, I have also come to realize there is nothing really that I can do that will ever make that person feel any differently.

For Ben it was no different (I know because he told me so right there at the party!), except fortunately he was not about to let it ruin his fun or stop him from having a good time. And that was a nice change!

Ben and I took off with Sister Roma and Mr. Pam to stop by Brent Corrigan's night at Hydrate before heading to Chi Chi LaRue and Howard Marr's big kick off party at Charlie's.

On the long walk to Hydrate, I got a phone call from my father.

I felt like an ass leaving Ben with two people he didn't know and leaving Roma and Pam with Ben who was getting increasingly drunk, but my dad doesn't call me this late at night and I knew I had to take the call.

It was there, standing on the streets of Chicago freezing in a t-shirt and jeans, that I found out my aunt and my stepmother's mom had both been diagnosed with breast cancer in the same week. My father was also dealing with his own stress-related health problems. I didn't know what to do or say but cry. So I just stood there. And listened to him for over a half hour until the battery on my cell died.

I pulled myself together and rejoined the group at Hydrate just long enough to say hello to Brent before heading out to Charlie's.

The second we walked in, I saw Brandon Baker who had made a t-shirt that said "I [HEART] Jason Sechrest" on the front of it and "...a little bit." on the back. The timing couldn't have been more perfect. A smile was back on my face thanks to his little joke, which warmed my heart more than he knew, and the Jason Sechrest of JasonCurious.com was back in the house and ready for a drink.

Chi Chi's DJ'ing was amazing, the FabScout porn stars dancing were incredible and Ben was kind enough to give me the space and go off on his own while I hung out with a lot of my friends like Jason Ridge, Christian Owen, Tory Mason, Sister Roma, Cort Donovan, Blake Riley, Rusty and to make new friends in people like Damien Crosse and Francesco D'Macho.

But the best part of all was having someone as wonderful as Ben to stumble back to my hotel with for the night. In the midst of bad news, my friends and family and lover for the weekend made me feel loved and taken care of. And I knew falling asleep that night that everything was going to be all right.

DAY TWO

Ben and I awakened in the afternoon on Friday and I asked him to stay with me another day. He cancelled work and decided to go get his friend Sarah so we could all go to lunch for some of that famous Chicago pizza.

On the ride there, Sarah, asked who my friend was I'd be rooming with for the rest of the weekend. "Oh he's a gay porn star," I said. "Well, actually, he's a straight guy who works as a gay porn star."

"OH!" she gasped. "I just saw a show all about that on MTV with some guy -- "

"Yeah, that's him. Aaron James. He's a Jet Set exclusive. I'm his publicist and he's with me for the rest of the weekend."

I met up with Aaron and Jet Set's other publicity machine, John Patrone, back at the hotel after lunch before we headed out to see The Tim & Roma Show live on stage at Hydrate where Roma was to interview dozens and dozens of porn stars. She was kind enough to let us sneak in early so we could all get a table up front where we could shoot video and photos.

After the show, Blake Riley and I wanted to head over to The Lucky Horseshoe for the Raging Stallion party but Erik Rhodes needed to eat first so we all decided to go to Nookies to grab some grub. But somewhere, on the way out the door, someone ran into Stacey Bridges, the head of Gay Chicago Magazine and the Grabby's. When they asked him if he wanted to go eat with us, he said he was eating across the street and to meet him there -- not knowing we had a group of our own. So now there was a whole pile of us, including Ben and Sarah!, going to eat at Stacey's dinner -- and he was so sweet and accomodating, putting everyone on his tab for the night. Blake and I shared the best escargo either of us ever had (which Erik Rhodes was too pussy to try) and crabcakes.

There was a female piano player there singing old standards softly in the background and I tipped her, asking her to perform "When Sunny Get Blue," which she did. Erik Rhodes and Blake Riley kept threatening me to sing a song which I totally would have if I wasn't drunk off my ass. I can't drink and sing. Some people get better when they're drunk. Me, not so much.

On the way to The Lucky Horseshoe, Erik Rhodes said something about how sometimes he just wants to pick me up and throw me in a dumpster. Blake Riley was kind enough to point one out to him so he proceeded to do so. He didn't really throw me in though. He was just teasing, although for a quick minute it felt like high school all over again. And something about Erik Rhodes picking me up and carrying me, I have rarely ever in my life felt so safe. It was completely and utterly one of the hottest things ever. I developed a little crush on him that night.

I felt bad that I wasn't spending any time with Aaron James so I called him once we were at The Lucky Horseshoe and asked him to come out with us. He found us in there, though how he did I'll never know. It was so packed it was uncomfortable. It was made even more uncomfortable by the fact that the Raging Stallion boys were performing live sex shows so there was a lot of beer, sweat and lord only knows what other bodily fluids going around.

While Erik Rhodes was eating it up (literally!), I for one wanted to hurl and made my way to a corner to hide with Ben, Sarah, Roma, Mark from Gay Chicago, Blake and Aaron.

By the way, I should mention, I've hung out with Roma many times but never as much as I did on this trip and it is easy to see why everyone totally loves her. She is attentive, funny and knows how to have a good time but is never sloppy. It's always a genuine thrill to be with her and it was great seeing her show Friday night and hanging out with her later at The Lucky Horseshoe.

If this were a television show, now would be where the screen cuts to black and you hear the announcer saying, "We now interrupt this program..." -- and you, unfortunate viewer, are never able to know how the rest of the evening really panned out.

We're interrupting your "Diary" entry for a Public Service Announcement about being friends with people who do drugs. There are two types of people who do drugs: The people for whom it is fun and the people who are trying desperately to have fun but can't quite seem to get there. The first is your recreational drug user who despite frequency has it under control. The second is the addict who has nothing under control. Either you control the drugs or the drugs control you and there is no inbetween there. You're either one or the other.

When it comes to drugs, I have two personal stances: Everything in moderation and there is a time and a place for everything. For some people though, moderation is not an option. Some people can't NOT do drugs if the drugs are in the vicinity regardless of the time, the place, who it belongs to or what it's going to take for them to get it. I can't be angry at these people because it's really an illness, for which there are thankfully treatments and help groups. But though I'm not angry with those people, it's hard to be friends with them. A hardcore "user" will eventually use you.

On Friday night, someone I considered a friend "used" me. I was left feeling betrayed, violated, vulnerable and even a little bit scared.

DAY THREE

I awakened, again in the late afternoon. I couldn't shake what had happened the night before and felt like I wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out.

Ben had spent the night at Sarah's and was headed back home. I was getting ready for the big awards show in my hotel room with Aaron James. I had decided I was going to go in "boy drag" and wear this kind of metallic purple button up shirt with matching eye shadow and lipstick. It was the kind of thing you can only pull off if you're in a good mood. It's not the kind of thing you want to be caught frowning in, you know? But even the smiles I pulled off at the ceremony seemed utterly fake to me in the photos and I had a really difficult time getting into the spirit of the evening.

I decided then I might as well resign myself to the idea that my weekend was ruined. I didn't hang out with anyone. I sat in the Jet Set booth with Andrew Rosen and John Patrone and tried to just enjoy the show.

As soon as the awards were over, I couldn't stand all that makeup on my face for another minute and decided to stop by my hotel and get more comfortable for the after party. I shared a cab with T Ball and vented all of my frustration to him, God bless him. He is the Keeper of Sechrest's Secrets, really. He knows all and doesn't say a word to anyone about anything.

I felt so much more comfortable with the makeup off, now in jeans and a hoody and ready to enjoy the after party. Brandon Baker bought me several drinks straight away and I helped Rusty with the VIP booth for a little while. The RentBoy.com crew is like an extended family to me and you can't really be around them without genuinely smiling. They always manage to make the world a little bit brighter.

About an hour later, I got a text from Chi Chi LaRue asking me to come find her. She was on the other end of the club in a VIP booth of her own. I didn't even know there was another one! I strolled over there and the second she saw me, she gives me the biggest, longest, tightest bear hug I think I've ever received in my life. I tried really, really hard not to cry. Somehow she just knew how much I needed that at that moment.

And for the rest of the evening, Chi Chi made sure I was taken care of. Right by her side and never out of her sight. There's always one wild and fun night in Chicago with Chi Chi and me -- and this one turned out to be it. We all went over to Erik West's place where he played the most accomodating host for the evening and morning to many of us. I hung out there with Chi Chi, Erik, Roma and one of my favorite Chicago drag queens Velicity while getting to meet a couple of trannys, Amanda Brandt and Aurora Sexton. It was one helluva party with porn stars, trannys, drag queens and strangers all sitting around talking about everything from porn to politics.

As much as I may have learned in the last two years that life outside of porn is essential, I can never discount the true friends I have here. Many of you have been a familiar face, a savior, a guardian angel, a rock, a mom... when I needed it most.

In a few weeks, it will be my 10 year anniversary of working in adult entertainment. As much as I need things in my life that are not porn related and as much as I strive to go on and do other things with my career, how could I ever really leave completely? I have too my friends here to leave.

I still don't know why I was embraced by this community ten years ago or why I continue to be let into your club when I had nothing to do with it.

But you should know that I'm grateful and I appreciate it and through the jokes and the gossip, that's one thing I don't get the opportunity to say nearly enough.

FOR PHOTOS & VIDEO FROM GRABBY WEEKEND, SEE:

JASONCURIOUS.COM/DESK/