I am switching service providers and will have limited Internet access until Wednesday evening so hang in there until then and I'll be back with regular updates. Hope all is well! xoxo L, J. ;-)
So I'm watching a movie tonight that I haven't seen since I was in high school called The Basketball Diaries.
Leonardo DiCaprio, Mark Wahlberg.
The true story of author Jim Caroll and how he blew his many basketball scholarships by becoming addicted to drugs while he was in high school. I didn't realize it when I was watching it as a kid, but the drugs that ruined him were heroin and oxy contin.
My mom watched this with me at least once. She could never understand why I liked it so much because I obviously wasn't into drugs and I sure didn't like basketball.
For one thing, Leo is my age and I was inspired by the amount of talent he had. It is really a difficult role to dive into and pull off, especially for someone so young, and he just had "child prodigy" written all over him in this movie. I aspired to have that kind of comittment and talent.
But for another thing, what I could relate to was the teenage angst. I don't know what it is about us when we're that age, but we're all just so damned angry. It's a hellish existence, as you grow into the brain of an adult but still have the limiting legs of a child. It's so confusing and so incredibly annoying that no one can understand what is going on in your head except the people who are going through it with you at the time. It's the closest thing to purgatory here on Earth, those years between 16 and 19. Utter limbo.
Different kids deal with that angst in different ways, regardless of how they are brought up. It has to take some kind of form and the child, growing into an adult, chooses that form for themselves.
I liked to manipulate people to see how much I could get away with and I also became obsessed with sex.
For others, I guess it's oxycontin.
"You're growing up. And rain sort of remains on the branches of a tree that will someday rule the Earth. And it's good that there's rain. It clears the month of your sorry rainbow expressions and it clears the streets of the silent armies so that we can dance. I love this mansion. Though it's too many windows to open half-way each morning. To close half-way each night." - Jim Caroll, The Basketball Diaries
Let me just say a couple things. Whether I see them ever again, whether they may find this or not, I'd like to apologize to the people who I hurt during those years and I'd aso like to forgive myself for it for the first time. Secondly, I know someone who is going through that angst right now and I'd like her to know that I'm here for her if she needs me. It hasn't been too long for me to forget what it feels like and I do understand.
So maybe I was at Chi Chi LaRue's until 7:00 am with the cast of Big Brother. It wasn't about to keep me from an acting gig.
Rewind.
On Wednesday night, LaRue stopped by the Here Lounge event I host, Porn Star of the Week, bringing with her the cast of the television show Big Brother following their wrap party. A lot of other mainstream peeps were there throughout the night too (most notably gay celebs Lance Bass, Wilson Cruz and Marcellas Reynolds who I used to work with all the time as reporters on Q TV), but for Chi Chi it was all about Big Brother, a show she had watched religiously, making a vow that she would someday meet them all. And meet them, she did!
I, unfortunately, have never seen the show so I didn't have a clue who any of them were or what they were talking about. I was much more fascinated by Robbie Angel who showed up very unexpectedly. (Where the hell has he been?!) Less than five minutes after I met him, I said, "I like your jacket. Can I have it?" And he gave it to me. My new best friend. Immediately. We felt this instant brother or maybe brothers-kind-of-attracted-to-each-other connection and stayed by each other's sides all night long. Other pornsters there included Trevor Knight, Lex Sabre, Cort Donovan, Blake Riley, Roman Heart and of course Nick Capra who was the featured guest with the boys of his new site, NickCapra.com.
After Here closed shop, many of us bolted to LaRue's down the street where we hung out on her bed until the wee hours of morning. The drag directrix was seriously in seventh heaven, getting to ask them all the questions of what went down behind the scenes she'd been dying to ask all season long.
There are only a few who I talked to long enough to get an impression of.
Josh (seen in photo) is totally adorable and I guess was supposedly "the bitchy gay" on the show, but he didn't seem that way to me at all. He seemed, maybe, straight-forward at worst but not cunty by any means. I guess he also said something on the show about doing gay porn if he didn't win. He tells me he still hasn't ruled that out as an option and will be talking to Chi Chi about it. Especially since his boyfriend cheated on him while he was in the house. Poor thing. I felt awful for him because he seemed a little depressed. But I tell you what, if my boyfriend had cheated on me and I hadn't won a reality show, there's no better place to be than in bed partying with Chi Chi!
Sheila (also seen in photo) is out of control. Total mad woman. Crazy as hell. But in a fun-loving way, I suppose. I mean, she brought her 17 year old son along with her. Really, now. Need I say more?
Now... Crazy James. Yes, the Crazy James. The one who did online gay porn before Big Brother? The one with the mohawk and bright yellow hair that is now hot pink? The one who is "craaaaaazy" James? Yeah, guess what? Not so crazy. In fact, the most sane, sober, normal person at the party. The boy totally had his shit together. I was mad impressed. Total gentleman. Total sweetheart. Totally low key and chill compared to the rest of us that night. I could've died. Not at all what I was expecting. He was the only who I'd actually heard of, obviously. Leave it to the one who has done porn to actually be the most normal.
Chelsia stopped by later and I guess she had a thing with crazy James on the show and now they're really not sure what's happening or where it's headed. But I'll tell you what I do know: She told me privately she really cares for him a lot and still likes him. And he told me the same thing. So... now if they could just somehow tell each other. Maybe they'll read the blog. I exchanged email with James so I'll have to send this to him.
Anyway, I left Chi Chi's at 7:00 am and finally got to sleep at around 8:30 am -- only to be awakened less than 3 hours later to be told that I could have a small part (okay, really small part -- whatever bitch it's called a cameo, they paid me!) in an indie movie called Dog Tags if I could make it to the set in an hour. I ducked under a cold shower, threw on some makeup to look presentable and viola, there I was shooting a movie that already has a distribution deal through TLA.
I actually got the gig through the star of the movie, Willam Belli, who has done a lot of work as an actor but is probably most known for his multi-episode arc as Cherry Peck on the television show, Nip/Tuck. I can't say enough good things about this guy. Besides being talented, he's so fucking smart, he should really write his own material because his tongue is sharp and witty as hell -- and yet not in a mean way, which is very rare, especially in the gays! He's also incredibly sexy both as a man and a woman in a really understated way; one of those "confident" sexy people who don't even have to move because it's all in the eyes, you know the type? I could go on about him forever. I feel a kind of "brother" thing with him too actually and really hope to become great friends because it's rare I enjoy conversation that much with someone. In fact, I would ask him if he wants to hang out, but I'm afraid he's going to ask me to go to a club or something and I'm so much more of a dinner or movie or theater or board games or hang out in bed and eat junk food and watch TV kind of person. I really don't like going to clubs and bars on my time off because, let's face it, I work at them several nights a week.
Anyway, it was "a wrap on Mr. Sechrest" at exactly 6:00 pm, which meant I had 30 minutes to get to MJ's Bar to host the happy hour show, Porn Star Alley, from 6:30 - 9:00 with guest Cort Donovan. After which, I came home and crashed, sleeping for 14 hours straight.
Tonight I'm singing at The Other Side with pianist James Lent from 9:00 pm - 1:00 am.
"Sometimes the real color of my skin. My eyes without any shadow. ... It's the ones who sing at night." - Nightbird, Stevie Nicks I hadn't found any time to get a spray tan for the past few weeks and it seems my real skin color appeared around last Wednesday. See, I told you I was Irish and not Asian! (Everyone thinks I'm part Asian for some reason. Not that I have a problem with that. I'm just not. ...But then everyone thinks I'm a bottom too. So the joke is on all of them I suppose.
I thought you might like to see it since I haven't been this pale in nearly 10 years. My hair was also desperately in need of a haircut and my hairdresser was out sick with pulled wisdom teeth. So I decided the only way to make the whole disaster work was to punk out my hair and wear some serious eyeliner. I have since tanned and my hair is now cut, but I'm considering keeping the dark eyes all summer long. I fucking love eye makeup.
You may wonder why I'm penning this doo dad at 3:47 am, Constant Reader. Well, I've finally admitted defeat is what's happened. I came to the conclusion that for nearly over a year now I've been trying to get on a sleep schedule similar to the one I had in 2006. You remember? Waking up at 5:00 am to do yoga and going to bed reading my Zohar at midnight like I'm Madonna? An entire year I've tried getting back into that pattern and I finally realized every morning I oversleep or every night I stay up too late and I beat myself up about it the next day.
...Why?! What the hell do I have to be up at 5:00 am for, right? I work for myself, I make my own schedule and I'm at a point in my career where I host shows or sing in bars until the wee hours of morning several nights a week. And then come home and work on my site usually! And I expect myself to be up at 5:00 am?! Fuck that, I've always preferred to live by the light of the moon anyway. I'll see yall at noon.
I'm sure this sleep pattern too shall change when jobs shift, but as of right now, my schedule demands for me to be pretty awake at late hours so... I don't know why the hell I've been fighting it and beating myself up about it for so damned long. I am so lucky to be able to have the freedom to make my own schedule right now, I may as well take advantage of it and find a little bit of happiness there, eh?
Speaking of which, I sang at The Other Side tonight and it was the first time I've sung with another pianist. A little nerve wrecking at first, but it was hot! I liked it. Definitely going to start branching out with James Lent going to work on a cruise for a month. I probably won't be in there every Friday night from mid-May to late June. Schedule changes. Different nights. Different pianists. Will let you know.
I also got a gift tonight from a dear friend of mine. I had been wanting sing the song "Silver Springs" for so long and the sheet music is nearly impossible to find. He found it. Bought me the out of print book it's from off eBay. He rocks my world. Kind. Selfless. Truest of friends. Always inspires me to be a better person everytime I see him.
It's going on 4:00 am now. I'm off to bed. See you around Noon!
1. Have you ever been attacked by an animal? Yes, when I was a kid, a German shepperd that belonged to my grandfather's mistress at the time (now my step-grandmother) took a bite out of my chin. The scar is still there, but you can barely see it. In fact, the only person who has ever noticed it was Christian Owen. He used to poke it and tell me it was ugly.
2. How many people have you kissed in the past 12 months? Twelve months?!! Jesus! ... Kissed?! ... A lot. More than 12. Less than 30?
3. What kind of music is your favorite? I like everything from Eminem to Liza Minnelli but the one thing they all have in common is that they're complicated. They don't fit into a box. I like songs that could change your life if you open up to them. I don't ever zone out to music. I think a lot.
4. What kind of music do you hate? Anything too manufactured. Music without a soul.
5. If you could hear one song for the rest of your life, what would it be? I don't think I would ever get tired of Madonna's "Vogue" and it would keep me inspired.
6. What bands do you want to tour with each other? Tori Amos and David Bowie would really be something.
7. How many concerts have you been to? Tons! But I haven't seen a lot of artists. I tend to see a few artists over and over again because not everyone is as great at live performing as they are in a studio. I've seen Liza alone nearly 20 times because even when it's the same set list, she sings it differently every time. You have to if you're in the moment. You can't try to recreate a moment or it's manufactured.
8. What was your favorite concert? Tori in Clearwater, the week of my birthday 2007. Her song choices that night told the story of my life up until that point and it was a really emotional experience for me that I've never really been able to put into words.
9. Have you ever been in a mosh pit? No.
10. What is your favorite instrument? Piano, of course.
11. Are you in a band? No I'm not and I would absolutely love to be.
12. Are you in love or have you ever been in love? No, I am not. And yes, I have been.
13. Do you think open relationships are good? It depends on the couple. I don't think it's good for me personally but I can't deem what's right for other people. I'm not a jealous person at all, I just really appreciate the symbolism of monogamy. That sense of selflessness and giving up your own selfish desires for another person, I think sex is a great place to start. If you can do that, you might be able to handle the rest.
14. Have you ever been cheated on? Sure.
15. Have you ever had a wet dream? Not really. No nocturnal emission sort of thing. Probably because I was constantly jacking off so early.
16. Where will you be 12 hours from now? Acting class.
17. Can you make yourself cry? Yes.
18. Do you like to masturbate? More than I like sex usually, yes.
19. Have you ever barebacked? I think I've been pretty honest about this before. Yes, of course I have, lots of times, and I have been fortunate enough to remain negative. I don't like the idea of living my life in fear or making decisions based on fear. I think fear is Satan. I think a lot of people are scared of HIV because they don't understand it and we're always scared of what we don't understand. I've spent months of my life researching it so that I could make what I feel are truly educated choices and I would suggest that to everyone.
I think it's sad that the world has been plagued by the HIV virus, but not any more sad than I am that it's been plagued by lung cancer. People take risks, it's a part of truly living life, and sometimes they suffer consequences. The risks we take depends on our personal preferences and our priorities in life and those are personal freedoms and choices that no one can take away from us unless we let them. I think we should be spending more money on finding a cure. But I'm not so happy we're spending more money on that already than we are on finding a cure or even treatments for breast cancer, which two to three times as many people die from every year. This is a topic I could go on and on about for pages, really. It's not as cut and dry as people make it out to be.
I will say I don't bareback nearly as much as I used to because my priorities have changed. Time has become more important to me than it was when I was younger. We only have so much of it per lifetime and I have a lot I want to accomplish so I need all the days I can get -- and I don't want them complicated with more aches and pains than necessary. I would hate to have my time cut short because of something like sex. At the same time though, I try to live my life to the fullest and really be in the moment so it's a balancing act really. I trust my instincts and the universe itself, and combined they have taken good care of me.
20. What drugs have you done and how often? I have never smoked pot -- or even a cigarette for that matter. I think the only thing I've ever smoked is a cigar once or twice with a guy named Jeff Clark in high school. I've done coke. How many times? Over 10, less than 20. I tried ecstasy once but they were duds and didn't do a thing to me -- unfortunately. I have taken vicodin when there is some left over from a perscription or something. No GHB or crystal or LSD or anything like that. I would really like to try shrooms once or something that would get me to see like little men dancing up and down my arms or something. I think that would be a blast to experience once. I am an experimental drug user. Not frequent or recreational. I have very high seratonin levels naturally and am an incredibly hyper person. Someone who does ecstasy a lot told me once, "What I experience on ecstasy, I see you experience nearly every day of your life. Some people just have those seratonin levels naturally."
After a couple of weeks that were abysmally slow at The Other Side, things really picked up this week. Both Tuesday and Friday night were surprisingly packed and we even had a few celebrities in our midst!
Rose McGowen was there on Tuesday night and sang "Fever" which she actually sang on an episode of her TV show, Charmed. And on Friday night, former presidential candidate John Kerry stumbled upon us and decided to stay all night. He made a point to stop me on my way to the bar after "Come In From the Rain" and told me how much he enjoyed my performances and I thought coming from someone who has no doubt seen so many talented people perform live that is quite a compliment!
After The Other Side on Friday night, I went out with a couple of friends who are singers there too, Joe and Peter and Peter's friend Lauren. We went to Akbar for last call and then to Astro to eat. I'd never been to Akbar. Much different than a West Hollywood spot. Much more "east side" Joe kept saying. Joe's life is so opposite from mine that he always introduces me to new things and I need friends like that.
Hung out with Crystal, another friend from The Other Side, at The Grove all day on Saturday. Shopping, eating at The Cheesecake Factory and seeing Prom Night in a theater filled with a bunch of teenagers that were screaming at the screen. Such a bad movie, but so funny to watch the audience! So glad I saw it in the theater.
Tonight I'm catching up on work for the web site. Just wanted to check in. I don't ususally write entries like this anymore because I fear you'll find them boring. I remember back in 2001 and 2002 when the site and this "Diary" launched, it was interesting for you because all my friends were porn stars! I had nothing else going on in my life and you got to hear about them here in the "Diary" ad nauseum. I still have lots of porn star friends and write about them frequently -- on every page of JasonCurious.com! My life is just a little more well-rounded these days and I'm happier than I've ever been in my entire life because of it. If my life didn't have such variety, I've gotta tell you, the site wouldn't even still exist. I'd have chucked it last year. I can't be drowning in that scene or I don't appreciate it or enjoy it. So I hope you all who have been with me on this journey from the beginning can understand. I always want to make coming here an enjoyable experience for you.
Alright, I think I have managed to somehow let a mosquito in the apartment and it keeps flying in front of my face, so I am off to catch it.
Also, I wrote this over the weekend and I have found if I don't publish it here I end up losing it on my hard drive or on scrap pieces of paper lying around so here it is.
Hope you had a great weekend!
Had a dream about the most unlikely to succeed with me. Didn't know what I was looking for until it came. Had a dream about the boy I never thought I'd dream to be. Showed me beauty in a breaking heart's sweet serenade.
Genuine and gentleman. Thoughtful and true. Selfless and talented. Somehow still human too.
But I sometimes in secret remain selfish still. Wishing that I could perhaps have you more. Where the thoughts of a promise of a window steamed Couldn't even make it to Fairfax door. Sometimes I get selfish and still want you more.
It's not that I'm certain you're the one for me. It's just you're the closest I've found, you see.
Someday I'll find true love, but know when I do I'd never have recognized it if it were not for you.
So I have been utterly obsessed lately with this 70's screen stud, Joe Dallesandro.
Now I've known about "Little Joe" as they call him for quite some time. Someone sent me some photos of him a while back and I was totally swooning. But it wasn't until I actually saw him on camera last weekend that I decided he is literally the hottest man who has ever lived. (He's still alive too! I hear he manages a hotel in Hollywood, but I don't know if that's true.)
The Movie Channel's on-demand network (if you have Time-Warner Cable) has this weekly gore fest feature called "Splatterdays" for free. Last weekend, they were featuring two of Andy Warhol's movies, Flesh for Frankenstein and Blood for Dracula. I had never seen either but had always wanted to. These movies were so controversial that they were given an X rating when they first came out. A lot of blood, a lot of internal organs, a lot of nudity and people having sex with corpses -- but all so totally unrealistic (like someone's intestines being a sort of hot pink hue or someone's head in a decapitation being so obviously a prop) that it's not scary at all and totally hilarious. I love movies like that.
Anyway, Joe Dallesandro is featured as a co-star of both movies, which is another reason I jumped at the opportunity to punch them up. I'd never seen any of his work.
Literally the second he is on screen, before he even opened his mouth, I stopped breathing entirely.
It has been since I was in high school I think that someone's looks completely took my breath away.
I am still drooling almost a week later.
Who can blame Andy Warhol for picking him up on the streets when the boy was a hustler and putting him in everything he ever did?
Also, if anyone who knows his work could recommend another movie for me to see, or if anyone out there has those clips of Joe nude in the early Andy Warhol screen tests... woof, let me know!
And oh yeah... did I mention he has a ridonkulously big dick?!
R 4/17 - Hosting "Porn Star Alley" w/ Lex Sabre @ MJ's Bar in Silverlake from 6:30 pm - 9:00 pm.
F 4/18 - Jason Sings LIVE!: "James Lent & Friends" @ The Other Side Piano Bar in Silverlake from 9:00 pm - 1:00 am.
W 4/23 - Hosting "Porn Star of the Week" - Release Party for Hot House Video's "Stark Naked" w/ Ross Hurston & Johnny Gunn @ Here Lounge in West Hollywood from 10:00 pm - 1:00 am.
R 4/24 - Hosting "Porn Star Alley" w/ Nick Piston @ MJ's Bar in Silverlake from 6:30 pm - 9:00 pm.
F 4/25 - Jason Sings LIVE!: "James Lent & Friends" @ The Other Side Piano Bar in Silverlake from 9:00 pm - 1:00 am.
W 4/30 - Hosting "Porn Star of the Week" w/ Nick Capra @ Here Lounge in West Hollywood from 10:00 pm - 1:00 am.
